Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
